"Tetsuo lived in wedded bliss for eight long and wonderful years. In that time, he and Suki produced a son, Haruki, named after Tetsuo's first son. In those eight years, Clan Platypus worked Tetsuo into their corporate structure.
"Like anyone else, Tetsuo had to start at the bottom. No amount of reputation, money or threats of death could change that. He began as a runner, then an interplanetary runner, then he spent some time as a logistics manager. By the time Haruki was born, Tetsuo was working as an actuary and occasionally being given assassin jobs. On the weekends, he still committed acts of genocide, but it had become more of a hobby than a quest. Suki said that he was just doing it to relive a romanticized youth that never really existed. But she tolerated it most days. All was looking up for the man who had once vowed to wipe out all life forms in the universe. Looking up, that is, until the family picnic."
"Picnic?" I asked, incredulous.
"Yes," they replied, "the yearly Clan Platypus Family Picnic and Meth Zombie Race. It's a very popular event for the office workers in the Clan. They still hold it most years, but the budget has expanded so it's more of a yacht party than a picnic, but they kept the name for tradition's sake. Ninjas, as you may know, are very traditional."
"I was aware," I allowed.
"Regardless of all that, the picnic Tetsuo attended with his family was the beginning of the end for him. Legend says he didn't even really want to go. He claimed that he had gutters to clean, there was a big game on tv and he really needed to get that lawn mowed. Suki, however, knew better. Wives always know better. She knew that as soon as she was out of the house he'd be off planet somewhere slaughtering a whole village of innocents. Instead, she proposed, he could spend some quality time with their son, to which he acquiesced. Even the strongest men will do what their wives ask in order to avoid problems.
"Tetsuo arrived to the picnic grumpy. All he could think about was the people he wasn't killing, the screams for mercy he wasn't hearing and the lawn that he wasn't cutting. But, after he got a couple of hotdogs in him and some money in his pocket from betting on the Zombie Wrestling match, Tetsuo was surprised to find he was having fun.
"In his buoyant mood, he encouraged Suki to join the fishing contest. The woman who landed the biggest fish was to be given a riding lawnmower and Tetsuo thought that would really help their family out. Suki was hesitant to join. This being a Clan outing, the women were expected to land the fearsome Knife Tooth Laser Fish, which can only be caught using your own child as bait. The trick is to allow the fish to approach the child and lunge. As the fish is in mid lunge, the child gets yanked out of the way and the fish makes another lunge. If everything goes right, you end up with a mean, inedible fish. If you do it wrong, you end up with a heart full of sorrow and a "Participant" ribbon.
"Suki had landed herself a number of Knife Tooth Laser Fish in her time, those being the main source of protein in her home village. And because she'd seen more of those fish than anyone else in the competition, she knew what they didn't, that Clan Platypus had replaced the regular stock in that lake with radioactive Knife Tooth Laser Fish. And as any fool knows, you have to use a totally different bait for radioactive fish than you do for regular fish.
"While all the other wives tossed their children into the water, Suki tied herself to the end of her line and wrapped the rest of the slack around a tree, making a kind of primitive pulley. Then, using the strength and persistence she'd learned in her eight years of marriage, dove head first into the water."
I interrupted, "She got herself et, didn't she?"
"No," the answered. "It was much worse than that."
"Worse than gettin et by a radioactive fish?" I couldn't believe that was possible.
"Much, much worse," they replied, adding a little drama to the whole thing. It must have worked, because now I was really ready to find out what happened to this lady. Had they said something like, "A little worse," or "About the same but less convenient," I woulda just give up right then and there, but since they said "much" twice, I felt I had to stay.
"It was not Suki's first time with radioactive fish. Every time one came near, she jerked her rod and pulled herself a little closer to shore. She knew that, once the water got shallow enough to stand in, she could wedge her fishing rod between its jaws, flip the fish over and heave it onto the shore for cleaning and consumption. She was within ten feet of the shore when the unthinkable happened.
"The fish she'd been tempting had completed its final circle and was coming in for the kill. The sweat of concentration beaded on Suki's brow. Like a torpedo, the fish launched itself at her. She waited, knowing that if she pulled too early, the fish would lose interest. The fish closed quickly, shrinking the hundred feet between it and Suki to fifty feet in the blink of an eye. Still, Suki waited. 40 feet. She braced herself. 30 feet. Her arms tensed. 20 feet. Her grip tightened. 10 feet. Suki yanked with all her might.
"Two things happened simultaneously. First, Suki was hit in the face with her snapped fishing line. Second, the fish took her foot. Suki screamed out for Tetsuo, who rushed into the water, stabbed the fish with its own tooth, grabbed Suki and headed for shore. In the few seconds it took for all this to happen, Suki's leg began to swell.
"As she was laid in the grass, bleeding and delirious, Suki began to beg Tetsuo. 'Kill me!' she whispered. 'You must kill me.'
"But Tetsuo couldn't. 'You'll be ok,' he promised as the doctors were tying cords around her now elephantine leg to stop the poison. 'You'll be ok.' He repeated through his tears.
"The doctors did their best, but they could do nothing against the swelling. The tourniquets they tied were ruptured as Suki took on more mass. All the time, she whispered to Tetsuo, 'If you love me, you'll kill me. Please, Tetsuo. It must be done.'
"Still, he couldn't let go of the one thing that brought light and warmth to his otherwise cold and dark life. Still weeping, Tetsuo turned away from his swelling wife. In a rush, he remembered how full of suffering and pain the universe was. He gained new strength in his lost mission and resigned from the Clan right then and there.
"To punctuate his resignation, he killed all but two participants at the picnic. The two left were Suki, who had grown to the size of a small hill and began to take on fish-like features, and his son Haruki.
"Tetsuo picked the child up. As per his vow, he knew he shouldn't let it live. On the other hand, it was Tetsuo's son, and he couldn't bear to see him die. As Tetsuo was contemplating the child's fate, the young boy gasped. 'Daddy, look!' he yelled, pointing at the still-growing form of his mother.
"'My god,' Tetsuo whispered. Suki's transformation was almost complete. She had rounded out and become a fish with a woman's face. Tetsuo recognized the form from his youth. His wife had become a planet eater. She was still small enough that she was eating the planet one bite at a time, but it appeared that, at her current rate of growth, she would gain full size in a matter of weeks. Then she would become the scourge of the universe, eating entire star systems with no thought. All of Tetsuo's work, his years hunting down each planet eater, his guilt for wiping them all out and his millions of years of meditation to make up for it, were all for naught. His life was a sham.
"Standing on that field, watching his former wife devour a mountain range and holding his child in his arms, Tetsuo saw the full cold cruelty of the universe. His mind broke. He set the child on the ground, looked it in the eyes and yelled, 'You should not be!' Then he lept off planet.
"That was the last anyone ever saw of Tetsuo Hatayama. Clan Platypus, feeling partially responsible for all this, raised young Haruki Hatayama in their own headquarters. But, in the end, they were like the woman rescuing the cobra from the cold."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Leashing a Killer
"So, wait, now," I said. "You mean Clan Platypus actually stopped a guy that was tryin to kill everyone in the universe dead? Ain't that a little counterproductive to their plan?"
"Actually not," Alistair answered. "If you'll recall, Clan Platypus is attempting to make everyone their slaves. The whole 'killing everyone' thing is just an unfortunate byproduct of their means of slavery."
"Then why'd this Morihito guy or whatever hook up with them ninjas?"
"Hatayama," the ghost army replied.
"That ain't an answer," I kindly pointed out to them.
"Nevertheless, it is his actual name. Morihito was a universally famous chef and the inventor of the Mojito. He Spanishized his family name in order to make the drink seem more tropical. Sadly, he died in a muddler duel."
"I don't see how that's in any way relevant to the proceedins," I told them.
"It's not," they admitted, "but it's an interesting story."
"Well," I allowed, "be that as it may, hows bout we just skip over that one right now and you tell me what I need to know to defeat these ninjas. I mean, jeez, we been at this for what seems like hours now and you still ain't mentioned nothin about no staff or anythin, which is what you said all this was about in the first place."
They defended themselves, "Yes, yes, we're getting to that."
"I wish you would."
"We are."
"Good," I stated.
"Good."
We eyed each other a bit. I gotta be honest. After standin out here in the middle of nowhere on a dark planet talkin to a bunch of ghosts for this long, I was startin to get a mite fed up with this whole thing. I figured maybe we could send this ghost army after the ninjas and bore them all to death. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to tell a simple story? Guy's family gets killed, he kills some giant fishes, sits for a long time, vows to kill everyone in the universe. Bam. Done. See how easy that was? But, I guess if you been dead and trapped in a bottle for a hundred years or so, and you're prolly gonna disincoporate right after finishin the story, you might just stretch the thing out, too.
"Can we go now?" they asked.
"Yeah, sure," I grunted, "go on ahead."
"Thank you. After his announcement, Tetsuo began fulfilling his vow, one person at a time. He snuck in late at night and murdered whole villages, slaughtering all the people, pets and livestock. He would even burn out all the ant hills and squish all the weevils. The people of the universe were living under a shroud of fear, never knowing who or when Tetsuo would strike.
"Then one night, he attacked a village on Quark, the planet of the scientists. He thought he would, just like always, sneak in quietly, eradicate all the life forms and then make himself an omelet from whatever the people had in their fridges. However, he didn't take into account that scientists generally keep different hours than other people and he walked right in on a meeting of mathematicians and discussing population models.
"This discussion was relevant to his current task, so he stopped and listened. In that meeting, he learned that his quest to kill all life in the universe by himself was a losing proposition. In fact, for every life form he eliminated, two were born somewhere in the universe to replace it. At that rate, he was falling behind in his mission daily. So he slunk off and thought of another plan."
I interrupted, "You mean to say he didn't kill them math guys?"
"Oh no, he killed them," they countered. "As a matter of fact, he killed them slowly and painfully, torturing all of their math secrets out of them. I hear the desire to die in those men became so strong that it shattered glass."
"Wow."
"Yeah," they sighed. "That was not a man you wanted to deal with."
"I spose not."
"So, Tetsuo needed a larger group to help him do his work. He tried various assassin's guilds and mercenary armies, but they all wanted too much money and they had to be micromanaged. In the end, they were really just more hassle than they were worth. Tetsuo needed to find an evil organization with a ready army and another income stream. He asked around wherever he went. Well, to be honest, he tortured for information, but when you're the most feared man in the universe, they're pretty much the same thing. A little torture here, a little torture there, and he found himself on Clan Platypus' door.
"They agreed to a partnership right away, seeing the potential in this killer. But they had no interest in eliminating their customers just for the sake of eliminating. Sure, if the customer owed them five dollars or was talking a bit too loudly during a Clan member's favorite movie then, sure, they'd go ahead and kill them. But to kill someone to set them free from pain? That was simply unthinkable. So they needed a method of control.
"They offered money and power, but Tetsuo wasn't at all interested. Wine and women held no sway over him. Even the chance to own his own pizza chain didn't entice him. Then they turned to science. In fact, this is when Clan Platypus began experimenting with FTL travel for the first time. They built and launched a fleet of ships to travel at above-light-speed in every direction on a secret quest. They knew that they were sending most of these people into certain death but, again, these guys are super-evil, as you know."
"I do," I confirmed.
"It turns out that the Clan had unlocked the same secret that the army of Pats now crawling over this planet has. That is, that in an infinite universe, everything that can possibly happen is happening all the time somewhere. That meant that a copy of Tetsuo's wife was around somewhere, and it would just take some serious searching to find her.
"The clan sent thousands upon thousands of ships over two decades. Most never came back. The ones that did rarely had good news. There were two special ships, though. One came back entirely covered in grape jelly and without any crew of any kind. It's still quite the mystery. The second came back, after an absence of only 5 years, carrying a copy of Tetsuo's wife, Suki.
"And it was his wife, in every way. When he first saw her, Tetsuo cried like a baby. Then he cried like a slightly happier baby. Day by day, he cried less and less. He began to believe that the past millennia were all a horrible dream and that he was finally being allowed to wake up. For a year after he was reunited with his Suki, he hardly killed anyone. There was Xynok, but that whole planet had it coming and no one blamed Tetsuo for wanting to kill everyone on it.
"Before that year was out, Suki was pregnant and Tetsuo was becoming a regular family man. He'd been moved up to middle management and was angling to get his own office. Clan Platypus thought they had reigned in their secret weapon. But the arrival of the child signaled the beginning of the end for Tetsuo Hatayama."
"Actually not," Alistair answered. "If you'll recall, Clan Platypus is attempting to make everyone their slaves. The whole 'killing everyone' thing is just an unfortunate byproduct of their means of slavery."
"Then why'd this Morihito guy or whatever hook up with them ninjas?"
"Hatayama," the ghost army replied.
"That ain't an answer," I kindly pointed out to them.
"Nevertheless, it is his actual name. Morihito was a universally famous chef and the inventor of the Mojito. He Spanishized his family name in order to make the drink seem more tropical. Sadly, he died in a muddler duel."
"I don't see how that's in any way relevant to the proceedins," I told them.
"It's not," they admitted, "but it's an interesting story."
"Well," I allowed, "be that as it may, hows bout we just skip over that one right now and you tell me what I need to know to defeat these ninjas. I mean, jeez, we been at this for what seems like hours now and you still ain't mentioned nothin about no staff or anythin, which is what you said all this was about in the first place."
They defended themselves, "Yes, yes, we're getting to that."
"I wish you would."
"We are."
"Good," I stated.
"Good."
We eyed each other a bit. I gotta be honest. After standin out here in the middle of nowhere on a dark planet talkin to a bunch of ghosts for this long, I was startin to get a mite fed up with this whole thing. I figured maybe we could send this ghost army after the ninjas and bore them all to death. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to tell a simple story? Guy's family gets killed, he kills some giant fishes, sits for a long time, vows to kill everyone in the universe. Bam. Done. See how easy that was? But, I guess if you been dead and trapped in a bottle for a hundred years or so, and you're prolly gonna disincoporate right after finishin the story, you might just stretch the thing out, too.
"Can we go now?" they asked.
"Yeah, sure," I grunted, "go on ahead."
"Thank you. After his announcement, Tetsuo began fulfilling his vow, one person at a time. He snuck in late at night and murdered whole villages, slaughtering all the people, pets and livestock. He would even burn out all the ant hills and squish all the weevils. The people of the universe were living under a shroud of fear, never knowing who or when Tetsuo would strike.
"Then one night, he attacked a village on Quark, the planet of the scientists. He thought he would, just like always, sneak in quietly, eradicate all the life forms and then make himself an omelet from whatever the people had in their fridges. However, he didn't take into account that scientists generally keep different hours than other people and he walked right in on a meeting of mathematicians and discussing population models.
"This discussion was relevant to his current task, so he stopped and listened. In that meeting, he learned that his quest to kill all life in the universe by himself was a losing proposition. In fact, for every life form he eliminated, two were born somewhere in the universe to replace it. At that rate, he was falling behind in his mission daily. So he slunk off and thought of another plan."
I interrupted, "You mean to say he didn't kill them math guys?"
"Oh no, he killed them," they countered. "As a matter of fact, he killed them slowly and painfully, torturing all of their math secrets out of them. I hear the desire to die in those men became so strong that it shattered glass."
"Wow."
"Yeah," they sighed. "That was not a man you wanted to deal with."
"I spose not."
"So, Tetsuo needed a larger group to help him do his work. He tried various assassin's guilds and mercenary armies, but they all wanted too much money and they had to be micromanaged. In the end, they were really just more hassle than they were worth. Tetsuo needed to find an evil organization with a ready army and another income stream. He asked around wherever he went. Well, to be honest, he tortured for information, but when you're the most feared man in the universe, they're pretty much the same thing. A little torture here, a little torture there, and he found himself on Clan Platypus' door.
"They agreed to a partnership right away, seeing the potential in this killer. But they had no interest in eliminating their customers just for the sake of eliminating. Sure, if the customer owed them five dollars or was talking a bit too loudly during a Clan member's favorite movie then, sure, they'd go ahead and kill them. But to kill someone to set them free from pain? That was simply unthinkable. So they needed a method of control.
"They offered money and power, but Tetsuo wasn't at all interested. Wine and women held no sway over him. Even the chance to own his own pizza chain didn't entice him. Then they turned to science. In fact, this is when Clan Platypus began experimenting with FTL travel for the first time. They built and launched a fleet of ships to travel at above-light-speed in every direction on a secret quest. They knew that they were sending most of these people into certain death but, again, these guys are super-evil, as you know."
"I do," I confirmed.
"It turns out that the Clan had unlocked the same secret that the army of Pats now crawling over this planet has. That is, that in an infinite universe, everything that can possibly happen is happening all the time somewhere. That meant that a copy of Tetsuo's wife was around somewhere, and it would just take some serious searching to find her.
"The clan sent thousands upon thousands of ships over two decades. Most never came back. The ones that did rarely had good news. There were two special ships, though. One came back entirely covered in grape jelly and without any crew of any kind. It's still quite the mystery. The second came back, after an absence of only 5 years, carrying a copy of Tetsuo's wife, Suki.
"And it was his wife, in every way. When he first saw her, Tetsuo cried like a baby. Then he cried like a slightly happier baby. Day by day, he cried less and less. He began to believe that the past millennia were all a horrible dream and that he was finally being allowed to wake up. For a year after he was reunited with his Suki, he hardly killed anyone. There was Xynok, but that whole planet had it coming and no one blamed Tetsuo for wanting to kill everyone on it.
"Before that year was out, Suki was pregnant and Tetsuo was becoming a regular family man. He'd been moved up to middle management and was angling to get his own office. Clan Platypus thought they had reigned in their secret weapon. But the arrival of the child signaled the beginning of the end for Tetsuo Hatayama."
Monday, January 18, 2010
In another life, I'm a DJ
It's true. In addition to writing Pat O'Neil, I'm also a DJ. I like to think of myself as a modern day Renaissance Man. Why do you care, you ask? Because you have a chance to help me out. I've entered myself into the Let's Mix Next Generation DJ contest. The top prize is a chance to play the Winter Music Conference in Miami, a DJ Contract and some other spiffy stuff. However, in order to progress to the next round, I need to get 200 votes on my mix by January 31. I know it's not much time, but I think we can mobilize the Pat Masses (or, if you want to call the readers something else, I'm cool with that) to vote, and get everyone they know to vote, and I can make the cutoff. It would really mean a lot to me if I could get your support in this. Just go here and throw me a vote. Thank you very, VERY much.
Tetsuo's Speech
"Woah, woah, woah!" I cut in. "What's all this 'good news of your impending death' stuff?"
The ghost army responded, "You've never heard the 'Impending Death' speech?"
"No," I replied, "no I have not."
Alistair scoffed. "Seriously? You've never heard the "Impending Death' speech? One of the three most famous speeches in the history of the universe?"
"No," I repeated, "I certainly have not."
"Jeez, man," said the ghost army, "do you live in a cave or something? They play that speech on tv and the radio all the time. You'd have to live in some god-forsaken backwater in order not to have heard that. Where you from again?"
"Iowa."
"Which one?"
Alistair cut in before I could question this. "Iowa 4871-j3."
The eyes of the ghost army widened. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," they said in that way that says 'I just found out something embarrassing about you but I don't want to make a big deal out of it' way. "So, then...yeah...You really haven't heard it. That's, um, that's too bad. It's quite interesting."
"Would you like to hear it?" Alistair asked me.
"I dunno," I responded, "you think I should?"
"Sounds to me like maybe you should," he said. "And we've got a copy of it on the ship. We could probably broadcast it easily."
And with that, he scampered into the ship, made some things click and pop and I heard the whole speech. Here's how it goes:
I am Tetsuo Hatayama, destroyer of the Planet Eaters, and I bring you the good news of your impending death.
For many years, I have investigated this universe, and all I see is weakness and failure. You, the living beings of this universe, are unable to see past your own small concerns. You are too weak or too lazy to think past your own lifetime. Even more, most of you can barely see beyond your own family groups or tribes. Thus you take from others, murder them, destroy their happiness and that of their descendants.
I, myself, have been guilty of this. When I was young, I erased an entire species from the universe. The planet eaters were slow, dumb creatures, who knew not what havoc they wrought on lives and families. They devoured my own family, and I revenged myself on them. It took me many years, but I hunted each and every one down and killed them. But in their deaths, I found no peace.
Perhaps I expected the family shaped hole in my heart would be filled by the death of a species, but it wasn't. The only thing I gained for my revenge was guilt. I could not understand why I had to have so much pain and suffering. So I went into seclusion and meditated. I learned to stretch my mind and consciousness throughout the universe. I learned to inhabit other minds. I sat in the minds of millions of creatures, watching them live their lives from birth to procreation to death. And I saw the same things over and over again. Now, I am ready to share the truth with you.
Each and every one of you thinks you are special. More than likely, you have elevated your feelings that you are privileged into a religion that tells you that you or your tribe or your species was created by some super being in order to live out his, her or their will. But you are not special. You are just another in a line of beings that stretches back to the beginning of the universe. There were millions of lives before you and there will be millions of lives after you. You, personally, are meaningless.
I can feel the reaction beginning already. You are shouting "That's not true!" You are becoming angry, or sad and that is inevitable. That is the fundamental nature of live in this universe. You believe that you are special, but the universe disagrees, and this causes conflict. You constantly think of the world as you would like to be, as it should be, as you were told it would be. But still, you live in the world as it is. And this gap, the deadly space between ought and is, is where you suffer.
You do not get the things you want. You get the things you don't want. Those you love die. Those you hate prosper. Your whole family is devoured by a giant fish, or disease or war. You are subject to conflicts you didn't start. You are forced into modes of life you hate by people you will never meet and have no power over. And this, all of this, just isn't fair.
And you are right. It is not fair. But it is true. All of this causes pain in each life. It causes us sleepless nights of anguish. This situation allows us to build dreams of what things will be like if we can just get this or that. But then the universe crushes us by not allowing to have this or that which we desire. All of this points to one, inescapable fact: the universe doesn't care about you.
In the cosmic perspective, you do not matter. You have no importance. You are a mote of dust that survives for an eye blink on a summer afternoon. You are nothing more than a drop of dew that will evaporate in the morning sun, unloved, unknown, unheralded. If you do something amazing, maybe your name will last a thousand years or so. But, in the end, it all disappears and the universe keeps going.
This is how we suffer.
There is only one remedy to this situation, and I am he. The universe will never be anything other than what it is. It will never become what it ought to be. The only way to eliminate the gap between is and ought is to eliminate all those who wish for ought. Sadly, every sentient being does this. Therefore, I, Tetsuo Hatayama, have made it my goal, my mission and my vow, to kill every sentient being in this universe.
Only then will there be no more suffering. Only then will the gap between is and ought be eliminated. Only then can the universe rest, at peace with itself.
I am coming."
When the speech finished playing, I couldn't say anything for a bit. I think I peed myself a little, but I wasn't totally sure.
"S...so...um," I stammered, "is he coming to kill me?"
"No," the ghost army replied. "His plan didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped. It's theorized that the turning point is when he hooked up with Clan Platypus."
The ghost army responded, "You've never heard the 'Impending Death' speech?"
"No," I replied, "no I have not."
Alistair scoffed. "Seriously? You've never heard the "Impending Death' speech? One of the three most famous speeches in the history of the universe?"
"No," I repeated, "I certainly have not."
"Jeez, man," said the ghost army, "do you live in a cave or something? They play that speech on tv and the radio all the time. You'd have to live in some god-forsaken backwater in order not to have heard that. Where you from again?"
"Iowa."
"Which one?"
Alistair cut in before I could question this. "Iowa 4871-j3."
The eyes of the ghost army widened. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," they said in that way that says 'I just found out something embarrassing about you but I don't want to make a big deal out of it' way. "So, then...yeah...You really haven't heard it. That's, um, that's too bad. It's quite interesting."
"Would you like to hear it?" Alistair asked me.
"I dunno," I responded, "you think I should?"
"Sounds to me like maybe you should," he said. "And we've got a copy of it on the ship. We could probably broadcast it easily."
And with that, he scampered into the ship, made some things click and pop and I heard the whole speech. Here's how it goes:
I am Tetsuo Hatayama, destroyer of the Planet Eaters, and I bring you the good news of your impending death.
For many years, I have investigated this universe, and all I see is weakness and failure. You, the living beings of this universe, are unable to see past your own small concerns. You are too weak or too lazy to think past your own lifetime. Even more, most of you can barely see beyond your own family groups or tribes. Thus you take from others, murder them, destroy their happiness and that of their descendants.
I, myself, have been guilty of this. When I was young, I erased an entire species from the universe. The planet eaters were slow, dumb creatures, who knew not what havoc they wrought on lives and families. They devoured my own family, and I revenged myself on them. It took me many years, but I hunted each and every one down and killed them. But in their deaths, I found no peace.
Perhaps I expected the family shaped hole in my heart would be filled by the death of a species, but it wasn't. The only thing I gained for my revenge was guilt. I could not understand why I had to have so much pain and suffering. So I went into seclusion and meditated. I learned to stretch my mind and consciousness throughout the universe. I learned to inhabit other minds. I sat in the minds of millions of creatures, watching them live their lives from birth to procreation to death. And I saw the same things over and over again. Now, I am ready to share the truth with you.
Each and every one of you thinks you are special. More than likely, you have elevated your feelings that you are privileged into a religion that tells you that you or your tribe or your species was created by some super being in order to live out his, her or their will. But you are not special. You are just another in a line of beings that stretches back to the beginning of the universe. There were millions of lives before you and there will be millions of lives after you. You, personally, are meaningless.
I can feel the reaction beginning already. You are shouting "That's not true!" You are becoming angry, or sad and that is inevitable. That is the fundamental nature of live in this universe. You believe that you are special, but the universe disagrees, and this causes conflict. You constantly think of the world as you would like to be, as it should be, as you were told it would be. But still, you live in the world as it is. And this gap, the deadly space between ought and is, is where you suffer.
You do not get the things you want. You get the things you don't want. Those you love die. Those you hate prosper. Your whole family is devoured by a giant fish, or disease or war. You are subject to conflicts you didn't start. You are forced into modes of life you hate by people you will never meet and have no power over. And this, all of this, just isn't fair.
And you are right. It is not fair. But it is true. All of this causes pain in each life. It causes us sleepless nights of anguish. This situation allows us to build dreams of what things will be like if we can just get this or that. But then the universe crushes us by not allowing to have this or that which we desire. All of this points to one, inescapable fact: the universe doesn't care about you.
In the cosmic perspective, you do not matter. You have no importance. You are a mote of dust that survives for an eye blink on a summer afternoon. You are nothing more than a drop of dew that will evaporate in the morning sun, unloved, unknown, unheralded. If you do something amazing, maybe your name will last a thousand years or so. But, in the end, it all disappears and the universe keeps going.
This is how we suffer.
There is only one remedy to this situation, and I am he. The universe will never be anything other than what it is. It will never become what it ought to be. The only way to eliminate the gap between is and ought is to eliminate all those who wish for ought. Sadly, every sentient being does this. Therefore, I, Tetsuo Hatayama, have made it my goal, my mission and my vow, to kill every sentient being in this universe.
Only then will there be no more suffering. Only then will the gap between is and ought be eliminated. Only then can the universe rest, at peace with itself.
I am coming."
When the speech finished playing, I couldn't say anything for a bit. I think I peed myself a little, but I wasn't totally sure.
"S...so...um," I stammered, "is he coming to kill me?"
"No," the ghost army replied. "His plan didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped. It's theorized that the turning point is when he hooked up with Clan Platypus."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
When he stood
"Once Testuo Hatayama stood, the universe changed. No one knew this at first, of course, but the lives of every man, woman, child, beast, man-beast, woman-beast, childbeast, man-woman, man-child, woman-child and man-woman-beast-child would be forever changed.
"It all began very slowly. Hatayama returned to society under an assumed name, Joe Smith. He posed as a drifter for many years, wandering around space stations and planets, washing dishes and doing odd jobs to feed himself. He spoke little, but he was a hard worker, so his bosses never noticed him. He spent many a year hitchhiking around the known universe. He would get rides whenever possible, so as not to risk giving away the secret of his identity. But when it was time to move on and he couldn't get a lift, he would go somewhere quiet and isolated and simply jump off the planet.
"Tetsuo was not washing dishes for the sake of work, though. In his years as a drifter, he was collecting information. If you want to gather information, silence is often your best friend. If you remain silent long enough, most people will start talking, just to fill up the void that you are leaving. And Tetsuo was a master of silence. His subjects would begin talking and, just before they felt they'd sufficiently filled the silence, Tetsuo would deepen his silence, causing his subject to talk more about more significant things. In the end, he built up the universe's largest collection of rambling, pointless stories about ordinary lives, which was exactly what he wanted."
"Now hold on just a durned minute," I cut in, "I, myself, got a big ol collection of pointless ramblin stories, but they ain't never done me no good unless I wanted to put a roomful of people to sleep, which I only ever needed to do that once. No, I ain't proud of it, but I had to make that deal with those gypsies to get Albert back..."
"Have you sat in meditation for millions of years?" they interrupted.
I scratched the back of my head. "Well, no, can't say as I have."
"Then you hear stories differently than Tetsuo Hatayama."
"How bout that."
"You, like all mortal beings, hear stories simply as stories. Maybe they entertain you, maybe they teach you a lesson, but no more than that."
"There's more to stories?" I asked, amazed.
"Yes."
"What?"
"To Tetsuo Hatayama, each story contains a piece of the story teller's soul. In the stories he heard, Tetsuo Hatayama could see the minds of his subjects in more detail than they could ever see it themselves. He saw their happiness, their sadness and, most importantly, he saw their limits and their weaknesses. Through their need to fill the silence, the people who spoke to this mysterious Joe Smith were giving their listener the tools he needed to control them, to dominate them and even to kill them."
"I gotta stop tellin stories..." I mumbled.
"Not so fast," they reassured me, "there's more to come. You may want to listen to the rest before you make any major life changes."
"Allright," I said, "I can live with that. Please continue."
"We shall."
"Shall away."
"Yes," they cleared their ghost throats all at once, which is near to the most disgusting sound I ever did hear in my life. "During his time as a drifter, in addition to collecting deep psychological profiles of everyone he talked to, 'Joe Smith' was also hearing little bits of his life story, disconnected from one another, to be sure, but still recognizable to one who had lived through them. It was as if, walking along a beach, he saw bits of wood scattered about and knew that they had all come from the same boat. Snippets of his legend survived. Like a spinster with cats, he collected these snippets, locked them away in a room and never, ever cleaned up after them.
"Slowly, painstakingly, he pieced together what had happened to the universe while he'd been sitting. He figured out that intelligent life had spread out to more planets, new societies had formed and died, people had fought wars, loved, hated, had children, but, as a whole, not advanced in any way in the previous couple of million years. People were the same. Societies were the same. Sometimes their technology would advance and then they would be overtaken by greed or stupidity, and would tear themselves apart, letting their decedents to clean up the mess and begin the cycle anew.
"He also learned that he, personally, had enough money to interrupt this whole cycle. The first step was to visit the planet where the bankers overseeing his fortune resided to get an exactly measure of his wealth and reach. It took them four years to confirm his identity. If you think it's difficult trying to get a new driver's license when you've lost yours, you should try accessing a fortune large enough to buy galaxies after an absence of several million years. Only because they were bankers, used to detailed thinking, were they able to do it in a mere four years. Most people could spend their lives trying to do it and die unsatisfied.
"Once his identity was confirmed, Tetsuo ordered all investments to be called in and no more to be made. This was a shocking idea to the bankers. They had spent many thousands of generations overseeing the growth of the Hatayama Fund. Many of the bankers secretly believed that Hatayama was dead and that they and their descendants would be able to manage the fund until they owned everything in the universe. They all committed mass suicide when it was told this would not come to pass. Following this, the head of the banking clan came to see Hatayama, to beg him to allow the investment to continue. He sited the suicides, the opportunity that existed for Tetsuo to never have to work again, no matter how long he lived, and the real likelihood of galactic economic collapse. In response to the banker's passionate, reasoned arguments, Tetsuo pulled the banker's heart out of his ears and ate it.
"After that, the bankers were quick to pull out of all investments and update their resumes. It took twenty years, four thousand lawsuits and, as expected, total, universal economic collapse. But, in the end, Tetsuo Hatayama had gathered all his wealth in a single account, which only he had control over. Then he scorched the banker's planet. He killed every living thing on the surface of the world. He made the earth black, the seas boil and the sky constantly gray. He then found all the bankers that had accepted jobs in other firms and killed them, quite often brutally and gruesomely.
"Finally, secure in the knowledge that he, and he alone, knew the extent of his financial power, he settled into a cross legged position, expanded himself into the universe and broadcast his unforgettable announcement into the mind of all living beings. "I am Tetsuo Hatayama, destroyer of the Planet Eaters, and I bring you the good news of your impending death.'"
"It all began very slowly. Hatayama returned to society under an assumed name, Joe Smith. He posed as a drifter for many years, wandering around space stations and planets, washing dishes and doing odd jobs to feed himself. He spoke little, but he was a hard worker, so his bosses never noticed him. He spent many a year hitchhiking around the known universe. He would get rides whenever possible, so as not to risk giving away the secret of his identity. But when it was time to move on and he couldn't get a lift, he would go somewhere quiet and isolated and simply jump off the planet.
"Tetsuo was not washing dishes for the sake of work, though. In his years as a drifter, he was collecting information. If you want to gather information, silence is often your best friend. If you remain silent long enough, most people will start talking, just to fill up the void that you are leaving. And Tetsuo was a master of silence. His subjects would begin talking and, just before they felt they'd sufficiently filled the silence, Tetsuo would deepen his silence, causing his subject to talk more about more significant things. In the end, he built up the universe's largest collection of rambling, pointless stories about ordinary lives, which was exactly what he wanted."
"Now hold on just a durned minute," I cut in, "I, myself, got a big ol collection of pointless ramblin stories, but they ain't never done me no good unless I wanted to put a roomful of people to sleep, which I only ever needed to do that once. No, I ain't proud of it, but I had to make that deal with those gypsies to get Albert back..."
"Have you sat in meditation for millions of years?" they interrupted.
I scratched the back of my head. "Well, no, can't say as I have."
"Then you hear stories differently than Tetsuo Hatayama."
"How bout that."
"You, like all mortal beings, hear stories simply as stories. Maybe they entertain you, maybe they teach you a lesson, but no more than that."
"There's more to stories?" I asked, amazed.
"Yes."
"What?"
"To Tetsuo Hatayama, each story contains a piece of the story teller's soul. In the stories he heard, Tetsuo Hatayama could see the minds of his subjects in more detail than they could ever see it themselves. He saw their happiness, their sadness and, most importantly, he saw their limits and their weaknesses. Through their need to fill the silence, the people who spoke to this mysterious Joe Smith were giving their listener the tools he needed to control them, to dominate them and even to kill them."
"I gotta stop tellin stories..." I mumbled.
"Not so fast," they reassured me, "there's more to come. You may want to listen to the rest before you make any major life changes."
"Allright," I said, "I can live with that. Please continue."
"We shall."
"Shall away."
"Yes," they cleared their ghost throats all at once, which is near to the most disgusting sound I ever did hear in my life. "During his time as a drifter, in addition to collecting deep psychological profiles of everyone he talked to, 'Joe Smith' was also hearing little bits of his life story, disconnected from one another, to be sure, but still recognizable to one who had lived through them. It was as if, walking along a beach, he saw bits of wood scattered about and knew that they had all come from the same boat. Snippets of his legend survived. Like a spinster with cats, he collected these snippets, locked them away in a room and never, ever cleaned up after them.
"Slowly, painstakingly, he pieced together what had happened to the universe while he'd been sitting. He figured out that intelligent life had spread out to more planets, new societies had formed and died, people had fought wars, loved, hated, had children, but, as a whole, not advanced in any way in the previous couple of million years. People were the same. Societies were the same. Sometimes their technology would advance and then they would be overtaken by greed or stupidity, and would tear themselves apart, letting their decedents to clean up the mess and begin the cycle anew.
"He also learned that he, personally, had enough money to interrupt this whole cycle. The first step was to visit the planet where the bankers overseeing his fortune resided to get an exactly measure of his wealth and reach. It took them four years to confirm his identity. If you think it's difficult trying to get a new driver's license when you've lost yours, you should try accessing a fortune large enough to buy galaxies after an absence of several million years. Only because they were bankers, used to detailed thinking, were they able to do it in a mere four years. Most people could spend their lives trying to do it and die unsatisfied.
"Once his identity was confirmed, Tetsuo ordered all investments to be called in and no more to be made. This was a shocking idea to the bankers. They had spent many thousands of generations overseeing the growth of the Hatayama Fund. Many of the bankers secretly believed that Hatayama was dead and that they and their descendants would be able to manage the fund until they owned everything in the universe. They all committed mass suicide when it was told this would not come to pass. Following this, the head of the banking clan came to see Hatayama, to beg him to allow the investment to continue. He sited the suicides, the opportunity that existed for Tetsuo to never have to work again, no matter how long he lived, and the real likelihood of galactic economic collapse. In response to the banker's passionate, reasoned arguments, Tetsuo pulled the banker's heart out of his ears and ate it.
"After that, the bankers were quick to pull out of all investments and update their resumes. It took twenty years, four thousand lawsuits and, as expected, total, universal economic collapse. But, in the end, Tetsuo Hatayama had gathered all his wealth in a single account, which only he had control over. Then he scorched the banker's planet. He killed every living thing on the surface of the world. He made the earth black, the seas boil and the sky constantly gray. He then found all the bankers that had accepted jobs in other firms and killed them, quite often brutally and gruesomely.
"Finally, secure in the knowledge that he, and he alone, knew the extent of his financial power, he settled into a cross legged position, expanded himself into the universe and broadcast his unforgettable announcement into the mind of all living beings. "I am Tetsuo Hatayama, destroyer of the Planet Eaters, and I bring you the good news of your impending death.'"
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Tetsuo Sat
I just wanna apologize for takin an unscheduled week off there in the bloggin. I got myself all tied up doin this thing I had to do. I didn't think it'd take as much as it did in order to get it done, but, in the end, it took exactly as much as it took to get it done. And let me tell ya, I was none too happy about it. But it's all over now and it's lookin like I got some good chunks of freer time this week that will allow for the writin and the story tellin and, if I'm lucky, the nappin. I'll try to get you the rest of this here question 2 nonsense this week and then move on to tell y'all about goin after them ninjas and all the hullabaloo that was. Now, where was I in this thing? Right...
The army of meth addled ghosts continued their explanation. "Tetsuo Hatayama came back from his campaign against the planet eaters as a paradox. On the one hand, he was handed fame and fortune. He was hailed by all intelligent species as the greatest hero to ever live. He had, single handedly, freed everyone in the universe from the fear that, on any day, a giant fish could come and swallow them up. He was rewarded lavishly by every planet that knew his name. His rewards added up into a significant holding; enough to buy and sell several planetary systems.
"But Tetsuo did nothing with his fame or fortune. In fact, he shunned the spotlight and the money for years. After his years in space, killing the unkillable, he flew to an uncharted, ice covered planet and built himself a simple wooden hut to pass his days in. Many thought he was simply waiting for his death to come. Others believed he was trying to transcend his own body. Still others were positive he was communing with the spirits of his lost family.
"Religions were born around these ideas. They grew from legends and half-truths about Tetsuo's life and thoughts. Then, they started to argue with each other about which of the half truths was more true and, finally, they ended up destroying each other in a series of bloody theological battles. And still Tetsuo sat.
"His legend grew and died. And he sat.
"Statues to his memory were built and crumbled. And he sat.
"Cities rose and fell. Still he sat.
"Planets sprouted life, grew and withered. And Tetsuo sat.
"Stars were born, grew, became suns and collapsed on themselves. And through it all, Tetsuo Hatayama sat in his simple hut on a ball of ice somewhere out in the universe.
"Then, without preamble or warning, he returned to society. He had been gone so long most didn't know his name. Among those who did, most had only seen his name in scraps of manuscripts that had survived from the time of legends. That last group, though, knew exactly who he was and what he had done. But they knew because it was their job to know.
"When Hatayama had disappeared, his money was put into a savings account with the interstellar banking clan. Due to the amount of money, three bankers were assigned to watch his money full time. They accepted the responsibility with heavy dignity and took their duties incredibly seriously. Really, if you're going to manage the money of a man you know can kill planet eaters, you're not going to slack off. Those three bankers invested often and wisely, seeing returns of 5-6% per year, which is very good for that kind of investing.
"Years turned into centuries and the money in the Tetsuo fund grew from amazing to truly stunning. Along with this, the number of bankers who were tasked to oversee his account had grown from the initial three to almost three billion. They all occupied the planet of Klaxxon and worked around the clock seeing the fund grow and prosper. In their non working hours, they would share what stories they knew of Tetsuo and imagining how he would reward them when he returned.
"And reward them he did, but not in the way they expected. When Tetsuo Hatayama stood up, he stood with a plan. And the army of bankers with more money than had ever been seen in one place in the universe was just the beginning."
The army of meth addled ghosts continued their explanation. "Tetsuo Hatayama came back from his campaign against the planet eaters as a paradox. On the one hand, he was handed fame and fortune. He was hailed by all intelligent species as the greatest hero to ever live. He had, single handedly, freed everyone in the universe from the fear that, on any day, a giant fish could come and swallow them up. He was rewarded lavishly by every planet that knew his name. His rewards added up into a significant holding; enough to buy and sell several planetary systems.
"But Tetsuo did nothing with his fame or fortune. In fact, he shunned the spotlight and the money for years. After his years in space, killing the unkillable, he flew to an uncharted, ice covered planet and built himself a simple wooden hut to pass his days in. Many thought he was simply waiting for his death to come. Others believed he was trying to transcend his own body. Still others were positive he was communing with the spirits of his lost family.
"Religions were born around these ideas. They grew from legends and half-truths about Tetsuo's life and thoughts. Then, they started to argue with each other about which of the half truths was more true and, finally, they ended up destroying each other in a series of bloody theological battles. And still Tetsuo sat.
"His legend grew and died. And he sat.
"Statues to his memory were built and crumbled. And he sat.
"Cities rose and fell. Still he sat.
"Planets sprouted life, grew and withered. And Tetsuo sat.
"Stars were born, grew, became suns and collapsed on themselves. And through it all, Tetsuo Hatayama sat in his simple hut on a ball of ice somewhere out in the universe.
"Then, without preamble or warning, he returned to society. He had been gone so long most didn't know his name. Among those who did, most had only seen his name in scraps of manuscripts that had survived from the time of legends. That last group, though, knew exactly who he was and what he had done. But they knew because it was their job to know.
"When Hatayama had disappeared, his money was put into a savings account with the interstellar banking clan. Due to the amount of money, three bankers were assigned to watch his money full time. They accepted the responsibility with heavy dignity and took their duties incredibly seriously. Really, if you're going to manage the money of a man you know can kill planet eaters, you're not going to slack off. Those three bankers invested often and wisely, seeing returns of 5-6% per year, which is very good for that kind of investing.
"Years turned into centuries and the money in the Tetsuo fund grew from amazing to truly stunning. Along with this, the number of bankers who were tasked to oversee his account had grown from the initial three to almost three billion. They all occupied the planet of Klaxxon and worked around the clock seeing the fund grow and prosper. In their non working hours, they would share what stories they knew of Tetsuo and imagining how he would reward them when he returned.
"And reward them he did, but not in the way they expected. When Tetsuo Hatayama stood up, he stood with a plan. And the army of bankers with more money than had ever been seen in one place in the universe was just the beginning."
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Question the Second .2
"What you need to understand about Haruki Hatayama is that he was a child of privilege. His father is the feared Testuo Hatayama. Tetsuo built his fame and fortune by assassinating the last of the great world eaters, galaxy-sized, sentient fish that swam through space devouring whole systems. They were so massive, in fact, that they bent light around themselves and so, despite their size, their approach would be undetected until the entire system was gone. For thousands of years, the world eaters were the bane of all space fearing cultures.
"That is, until they ate Tetsuo Hatayama's world. At the time, he was a low level executive in Clan Platypus and, as such, had been selected to attend the annual smoke bomb conference in Lincoln, Nebraska. He chose a couple of promising looking models and then slipped out early. A snowstorm kept his interstellar cruiser from lifting off on time. He cursed and raved at the skies, but that snowstorm saved his life. He arrived back at home not three minutes after his galaxy had disappeared into the maw of the giant fish.
"Then and there, he swore he would have his revenge. He entered super-secret ninja training and taught his body to go without air, light or gravity for months on end. He hardened himself until his skin was like titanium and his bones were like cut diamonds. Then, he launched himself into space, naked but for the sword at his waist.
"Years he spent in those cold reaches, slingshotting around planets. Slowly, but steadily, he closed in on the planet eaters and, when he found one, he showed no mercy. He cared not to hear its cries for respite. He only needed their deaths. That time in the depths of space did something to Testuo. It made him cold and hard; nearly dead inside. In the end, he had eliminated the world eaters, to the elation of all space-faring cultures everywhere, but he had done it at the cost of his soul."
"Wow," I cut in. "That's some crazy talk goin on there. But I don't see how it's got nothin to do with us defeatin them ninjas." Boy howdy, I hate it when I'm expectin a straight answer and things end up gettin all twisted and weird. If I wanted to deal with that kinda steam-fudge, I'd watch the news.
"Nevertheless," the ghost army responded, "it is imperative you understand all this in order to defeat the Clan. And to understand that, when you choose to fight Haruki Hatayama, you are going up against an enemy of unimaginable power and a heartlessness rarely seen in the universe."
"That is, until they ate Tetsuo Hatayama's world. At the time, he was a low level executive in Clan Platypus and, as such, had been selected to attend the annual smoke bomb conference in Lincoln, Nebraska. He chose a couple of promising looking models and then slipped out early. A snowstorm kept his interstellar cruiser from lifting off on time. He cursed and raved at the skies, but that snowstorm saved his life. He arrived back at home not three minutes after his galaxy had disappeared into the maw of the giant fish.
"Then and there, he swore he would have his revenge. He entered super-secret ninja training and taught his body to go without air, light or gravity for months on end. He hardened himself until his skin was like titanium and his bones were like cut diamonds. Then, he launched himself into space, naked but for the sword at his waist.
"Years he spent in those cold reaches, slingshotting around planets. Slowly, but steadily, he closed in on the planet eaters and, when he found one, he showed no mercy. He cared not to hear its cries for respite. He only needed their deaths. That time in the depths of space did something to Testuo. It made him cold and hard; nearly dead inside. In the end, he had eliminated the world eaters, to the elation of all space-faring cultures everywhere, but he had done it at the cost of his soul."
"Wow," I cut in. "That's some crazy talk goin on there. But I don't see how it's got nothin to do with us defeatin them ninjas." Boy howdy, I hate it when I'm expectin a straight answer and things end up gettin all twisted and weird. If I wanted to deal with that kinda steam-fudge, I'd watch the news.
"Nevertheless," the ghost army responded, "it is imperative you understand all this in order to defeat the Clan. And to understand that, when you choose to fight Haruki Hatayama, you are going up against an enemy of unimaginable power and a heartlessness rarely seen in the universe."
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