Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Grand Opening

Before I tell y'all about all the stuff I gots to tell you, I just wanna say hi to my fan base, which, according to my estimates is all the way up to three now. And at least one of them fellas or ladies is married, and he's a fella. Unless he's a lesbian, then he's a she and she's a lady. If that's the case, though, she must live in Massachusetts, cause he or she has a wife. Regardless, hello people, thanks for reading, it makes it easier to write on a Sunday morning if I know someone's going to read all the drivel I'm spewing here.

Anyway, the body shop finally opened on Friday. It woulda likely been opened a month ago, but, in a fit of frustration at havin to drive down to the donut king every couple of days because donuts turn to bricks so quickly and because I can't live without my morning donut and coffee, I said to the squimonks that it sure would be nice to have a donut shop closer. So, a couple of them fellas, or ladies, I don't ask, decided they should just add a donut shop onto the body shop. They had to tinker some with donut recipes, but they finally nailed it and made the perfect maple long john. So, now I gots myself two businesses to pretend to run. It's tough, but I'm managing to get through it. I'm still tryin to figure out how donuts are gonna help us fight ninjas. I suppose that, if they get hard enough, we could throw them at the ninjas, or maybe build us a ninja jail out of old donuts. I've heard, though, that ninjas are good at escapin places, and I'm just not sure old donuts make a really secure jail. Of course, I've never seen a ninja eat a donut, so maybe donuts are like ninja kryptonite. That'd probably be too convenient.

Anyway, on Friday, I got myself some balloons and streamers and whatnot, then I put an ad in the paper lettin everyone know I was open for business and everything. It was a pretty big ad with my picture in it. It said, "Friday, why go out shoppin for all that stuff you don't really need anyway? In this economy, it may be better just to go have a donut and maybe get that fender fixed from when you hit that deer a couple of years ago. We know you were gonna do it yourself, but you haven't yet, have you? You don't even have a rubber mallet. We have rubber mallets, though, and other stuff to fix your car up. We'll make sure all your doors are the same color, too. You can even have a donut while you wait. If that sounds good to you, come on down to the Grand Opening of Pat O'Neil's Body Shop, Refurbished Car Emporium and Donut Eatery. Friday will have a bunch of specials, many of which I haven't thought of yet, but there will probably be free donuts involved in there somewhere."

Now, that may not be the catchiest ad ever written, but you gotta know your audience. And, knowing the people around here, there's nothin they like more than free donuts. That ad worked, too. In fact, Frank brought it with her when she came to the opening. She even showed it to me. Of course, what she said was, "Are you an idiot? Why the hell would you write an ad like that?" All I could say to her was, "People like free donuts."

"Are you kidding me?" she said, "Why are you opening a body shop of all things. I've known you all your life, and I've seen you work on cars. You been drivin that rickety truck around for nigh on 15 years now with it painted four colors of primer. What makes you think you can run a body shop?" After this tirade, she seemed a little out of breath, so she had to sit down for a bit. I gotta say, I was a little dizzy, too. I mean, she was right, what do I know about running a body shop and donut eatery? But then I remembered that the whole business was fake anyway, so I was OK.

"You know, Frank," I told her, "I been workin on my skills. In fact, I got that truck all fixed up and I did it myself."

She didn't believe me, so I took her out to show her Mable Lou, all cleaned up and beautiful. You couldn't even tell that she had been flipped upside down, torn apart by a town truck, rebuilt and then had a flaming couch fall through the bed. She looked better than new. When she saw Mable Lou, Frank was aghast.

"You did that?" she asked, unbelieving.

"Sure did, all by myself, too," I told her.

"The sparkling flames, the chromed tailpipes, the cow horns on the front, Pat O'Neil's Body Shop, Refurbished Car Emporium and Donut Eatery hand-stitched in the white leather of the steering wheel? You did all of that by yourself?"

"You betchya," I told her.

"Where did you learn to do all of that? Two months ago, I woulda sworn you were incompetent to pee standing up, and now you're telling me you did all of this by yourself?"

"Yeah, I sure did," I told her, "I been taking on-line classes and listening to a lot of Car Talk lately. And I been watching some cooking shows, and that's why I'm doing the donuts, too." So, it was all wrapped up in a neat little package.

Then, she looked me right in the eyes with all the understanding a big sister has to offer and told me, with caring and honesty, "You're full of horse crap! What's really going on here?"

"Honest injun!" I told her, "I ain't lying about nothing!"

"BS," she shot back, "I know you're lyin because you always start usin your g's again when you are. What's the story here?"

Well, I couldn't tell her, so I spun some story about something, I don't recall very well now. It's really all a blur. There was something about aliens takin my brain and replacing it with that of a much more motivated man and something about a French chef dying in my arms and passing on to me his recipe for a perfect long john so that humanity did not lose out by not being able to eat the perfect donut. It was a yarn and we both knew it, but I think I distracted her enough to get her to go home. I think she'll be back, though.

After Frank left, the grand opening went great. I had about 20 customers. All of 'em apparently hit a deer a couple of years back and had always meant to fix their fenders themselves, but had never even bought rubber mallets. Like I said, know your audience.

31 comments:

Mateo Segade, Los Angeles, CA. said...

Well I think your writing is just terrific and look forward to following your work for many a blog gto come. I think, and this is just a shot in the dark for sure, but I think I sorta get it. It's good. It's actually about a lot more things than most blogs that claim to be about something important. In any case, oddly enough, I found you thru MSN's list of the top 10 (or 11?) lamest blogs ever... a list that included mostly obviously bad blogs, but then, amongst them, was yours... which I immediately clicked on the link to read it because it sounded, on the contrary, rather interesting. I was right. You are good. You should keep going. You are not lame. And, by the way, a donut shop is a great addition to any business... I myself am having great trouble deciding whether or not to make the drive all the way to the only decent donut shop in my neighborhood this morning... or if I should just fast. Cause all the local donuts' jelly is all gelatinous and lacking in any real fruit. Icky! I want fruity filling, not slimy red goo. And the amount of custard in my local, hard-edged donuts is, despite being gross inna first place, not more than a little squirt inside the donut. So then, not only is it gross but lacking in plenty. So your ad would haveworked for me. Free donuts? I'm there.

Pat O'Neil said...

Well, I don't think I'm lame either. I also don't think I'm going to sit up nights worrying about what a guy at Techworld.au has to say. I will think about donuts instead. Ahhh donuts, ambrosia of the gods.

Anonymous said...

Really? You actually waste your time writing this? Time for a J-O-B bro.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I also found this blog because of MSNBC's lame blog list. But I like it and I plan on coming back. When? uh..soon. How soon? I need to get going. When will you be back? soon, real soon, bye.

Broke But Still Drinking said...

Someone is talking smack on your blog. Oh well, even bad publicity is good publicity. Meth ninjas may be a household name after today.

Anonymous said...

he does have a job. he owns his own body shop. this is a true story right?? anyways, good reading while i'm bored at work. and yes, i did find this through the lame site on MSNBC. sorry to admit that. gave me laughs, and i'll be back for the rest of the story.

Anonymous said...

Lol. I love your blog. I found it because of the lamest blog article. Maybe it will be a break for you. I added you to my favorites. My wife thinks your funny too.... and no I dont live in MA.

Anonymous said...

he he, i like it

Andrea said...

I just came across you on the lamest blogs list as well, and my first thought was definitely, "I'd probably be friends with this person." Mostly because you sound like a long-winded version of my husband.

Topher said...

I think this is awesome! I also found it on MSN's lamest blogs. Great job, keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Are you in Arkansas? We have a couple of Bar/Bike shops here in town. It's always nice to have something to do when guys are talking bikes. Donuts and Bodyshop seems such a natural combination.

Hungarican Chick said...

This *is* his J-O-B, man. This is like the equivalent of Shakespeare next to the paragraphs of pontificating drivel I've seen on the 'non-lame' blogs.

Here here for Pat O'Neil and the Ninja Meth Squimonks.

Jason D said...

hahahahahahahaha wtf is this?

seriously this isnt a blog

its a place to tell stories to ppl with no life

cmon dude take what the other guy said and get a dang job!!

NOT ONE FIGHTING NINJAS

bethzilla said...

Oh, Pat Ooohhh Neil.

You are my hero. MSN just doesn't understand your awesomeness.

*kiss kiss*

Goingbigger said...

I totally agree with you Pat. I personally think it is creative and entertaining. Cheers to doing your own thing!

Anonymous said...

Seriously, some people have WAY too much time on their hands. The writing doesn't even have a flow. It reads like a 6 yr old's thoughts...just completely random. Go help the economy or something.

eric s said...

Yeah I found you on the 11 lamest blogs list too. I must say though, after actually reading it, I think they could have cut 10 of them out and renamed the list appropriately and you would still be on it.

Anonymous said...

I see the meth ninjas are here trying to leave negativity. Don't listen to them! When they say J-O-B they really mean slavery!

mucky

T. S. Eliot said...

I like to write stories when I am high too.

Franz Kafka said...

And I as well.

Anonymous said...

Fan #4! :) Very strange egg you are.

Anonymous said...

So I'm yet another person with too much time on their hands who found you through MSN's lame blogs. I'm glad you're getting some publicity because I love your humor. Seriously, funny as heck. Keep writing please!

Joebob said...

Clan Platypus, the single most evil organization on the planet, next to the DMV...

Fight on, brave Squimonks!

yokedbytheLord said...

to all of those mean spirited comment leavers...death to your index fingers. ha...now try to type job. the good old says spent smoking and taking the time to write random nothingness. brings back good memories...ah that is a lie. No memories left!! But I will replace my purple haze of memories for your blog and call it home. Cheers.

Anonymous said...

I also found this through the lamest blogs from MSN. It's the only one I looked at, and I shared it with some friends. They thought it was hilarious as well. Can't wait till I have time to go back through all the old postings so I can catch up.

Kate said...

So I found this through the "Lamest Blogs" article. I can't tell you when I've laughed so fucking hard. I too am a little insane and I really appreciate this brand of humor. Hehe, thank god for people like you on the internet, you really made my day. I shall bookmark this page and catch up on all the insanity later.

rudie of fullerton, ca said...

so I, like many before me, have found this blog with the assistance of MSNBC. though long-winded and sometimes boring, i find this journal to be mostly amusing and creative. more importantly, it is a careful documentation of the dangers of meth and ninjas, legitimate targets in the global war on terror that everyone keeps hollering about. plus you dig donuts as much as i do.


i would like to dispute one statement though, if you think blended meth-ninja-anchovy puree is evil, you have never tasted absolut peppar. i like vodka, alot. i also like peppers(jalapeno, habanero, those insanely hot little ones that have no name, etc.) alot. absolut peppar takes two things i like alot, and makes something nightmarish out of the two. i'm not sure that absolut peppar is distributed into the nether regions of jesusland a.k.a. iowa, but that's good, because then you'd have to fight meth-ninjas and absolut peppar.

Anonymous said...

You TOTALLY Rock!! Awesome.

Anonymous said...

Nothing better than a ninja and donut story. Thanks for the smiles.

Beverly said...

I do have to say, there seems to be quite a bit of hypocritical criticism here regarding the author's supposed lack of J-O-B situation. Why assume he doesn't HAVE a job? Often in my job, I have downtime whereby allowing me to do most anything as long as I appear constructive, including writing a blog if I felt like it.

I'm noting a theme in the posts though - either you get it and like it or you don't get it and don't like it. I am decidedly among the "get-its." My ex-husband sent this to me and I find it hilarious. I shall send it on to several of my friends.

Jon said...

eXCELLENT wORK mY fRIEND!