Sunday, March 15, 2009

Stakeout Letter

We been tracking this meth zombie for round about a week now and I gotta say that it's been informative. I feel like I'm watchin some sorta weird nature show. I keep hearing Marty Staufer givin a little voice over about how useful and well suited to its environment the meth zombie really is. Some people would then say that it just became that way over millions of years of tiny changes, but some other people would say that the meth zombie was made whole that way, Skynard shirt and all, because if a Skynard shirt is designed to fit the body, then a meth zombie, which is way more complex, but worth quite a bit less than a good Skynard shirt, also has to be designed. Then those people would get in a big yelling match with each other in the parking lot of a used bookstore last month on some old scientists birthday because one of them was standing in the parking lot with a sign that said The End is Neer, Repent!!!!!!!!!!!! I ain't sure I got the exact right amount of exclamation points on there, but I think you get the idea. The one guy who walked out of the used book store in a cardigan with leather patches on the sleeves would point and gesticulate wildly, trying to explain all sortsa sciency type stuff and all these things about empirical evidence and how logic and reason only point the one way and the other guy would be gesticulatin just as wildly, yellin about how the bible says nothin about monkeys and how the word 'monkey' doesn't even appear one time in the bible and the other guy would point out that the words 'intelligent design' didn't appear in there either and then they'd start yellin about who read which book and it would end in fisticuffs and the one guy's sweater would get all torn and they'd really just dig themselves in deeper to their positions but now cause they thought the other side was just full of idiots or heretics or whatnot and, in the meantime, I gotta stand there and listen to these guys yellin at each other at somethin I know they ain't never gonna agree on nohow and all I want is a crossword puzzle book or a sudoku book or somethin that I can use in the bathroom to pass the time while I'm passin somethin else but now I gotta bust into that fight and split them up and have them yell at me and I gotta explain to them that I don't hold no truck with either side and I just like goin to the aquarium and look at the lungfish sometimes, but I can't explain to them that genes can make weird things happen and I got first hand knowledge of that, but I'd still like to believe that the universe has more in it than a bunch of blind processes, but it would also be beautiful to think that everything walking around is related in some way. I mean, we may treat each other better if we're all just family. Of course, I ain't talkin family as in the havin-a-chimpanzee-with-which-you're-havin-some-sorta-weird-maybe-sexual-relationship-with-that-you-share-your-wine-with-until-that-chimp-freaks-out-one-day-and-eats-your-friend's-face-and-the-chimp-has-to-be-put-down-and-your-friend-may-never-recover kinda way. More like they part-of-them-is-part-of-you kinda way. You can go ahead and call that evolution or God or whatever you want, just as long as you act like that, maybe we'd be gettin somewhere better than a bunch of ninjas or whatever tryin to take over the world every time we turn our backs. But maybe that's just me.

Questions about how it came to be aside, the daily life of a meth zombie is sometimes pretty interesting. Now, I'm gettin a bit older and, as such, I generally get up earlier each year. The plus side is that I get to see the sun rise most days and there ain't nothin like sittin at your livin room window with a cup of coffee watchin the sun come up over a fresh pile of snow. The downside is that there ain't notin on tv until 5:30 or so. But as early as I get up on a normal day, that meth zombie is always up and doin stuff before me. I think he's prolly got the same problem about there bein nothin on the tv because he's up and drivin around at 2:30 or 3:00 most mornins. He doesn't really drive nowhere, either. At first, I thought he had lotsa important places to go and important things to do because he was drivin everywhere real fast, but a lot of times, he's just drivin around the block at 50 miles an hour, fishtailin at all the corners. I wanna get out there and tell him he won't slide around so bad in he puts some sandbags over the back wheels of his van, but then he'd know we were trackin him and I'd give away the whole plan and then I'd have to be fightin a lobster man in my own place and I don't really have the room for a good lobster fight.

One thing we noticed was that most days, about 9:30 or so, he'd show up at the 99 cent store. I ain't never trusted them people since their grand opening. First, they opened up right across the street from the dollar store. Given the choice, who in their right mind would go to the dollar store when there's a 99 cent store right there across the street? No one, that's who, and that's what they're banking on. I went in there and shopped around for a bit. I needed some cheap, plastic stuff made in China, as everyone does from time to time. It wasn't until after I'd been rung up and left the store that I found out them people ain't nothin but a bunch of lyin liars. I got outside and looked at my receipt and saw that everything on there rung up as a dollar. Then I looked at their sign and saw that everything was 99.99 cents. Now, if I'd wanted to pay a dollar for my cheap stuff, I'd have gone ahead and gone to the dollar store. But no, I wanted to save myself the penny, which was a penny I'da been earnin. But them lying jerks there stole that penny from me. Well, I decided right then and there that was the last penny they'd ever get from me and from then on, I've done all my cheap shoppin at the dollar store. But for some reason, the lyin ways of the 99 cent store didn't deter the meth zombie. Like I said, he'd go there about once a day, right around 9:30 and then he'd drive around some more. Mostly, he went to different run down housing areas, apartment buildings that smell like cabbage and abandoned factories and stuff, stayin for a hour or more sometimes.

The squimonk figured that the 99 cent store was a distribution point for the meth comin into our area and that meth zombie was pickin up his suppplies there and then runnin his rounds during the day. When I asked why he was just drivin around the block at three in the mornin, they said that was really just because he was a meth zombie and they usually do that or scrub their tile at three in the morning. We had to confirm their theory about the liars at the 99 cent store distributin drugs to our area, so Douggy and I was chosen to go on a stakeout. Now, I know you seen a lot about stakeouts in the movies and how they sit there and drink coffee and eat chinese food and stuff like that and I gotta tell you, a real stakeout is a lot like that, except without the excitement at the end. We sat across the parking lot from the 99 cent store every day of the last week for about four or five hours, to see if we saw anything suspicious. We saw some people goin in and out pretty quickly without buyin anything, even after bein shown the back room. I thought they caught onto the lie pretty easily, but Douggy said that was probably where they were gettin the drugs. It took us awhile to confirm this, so we had to keep doin this stakeout in the meantime.

It sure was boring out there, but it gave me a chance to catch up on the news that's goin on. I keep readin about the government givin money to banks because they messed up on something or another. Now, I may not be the smartest man in the world or nothin, but I know enough not to pay people for screwin up. Then, I started doin some math. That big insurance company there messed up somethin awful, but the government gave them 180 billion dollars so far. I pulled out my calculator and did some lookin on the internet and figured out that's about $592 from every American to that one company. And they ain't the only ones who're gettin stuff. So, I started doin some thinkin and I wrote myself a letter. I didn't know where to send it, so I just thought I'd put it up here and if anyone knows someone in the government, pass it on along.

Dear Government,
I know we're havin a tough time right now. There this whole housing mess and the thing with the banks not loanin money and everything. Now, I'm not gonna be the one to point out that the only way banks really make money is by loanin money out and that, if we really want them to start loanin again, we should just leave them be because they'll go out of business if they don't do the job they're supposed to do, so, rest easy, I'm not that guy. I'm just writin because I'd like my piece. I know you guys are all up there givin away trillions of dollars and I'd like some of that money. You don't even have to give it to me, you can give it to my business, Pat O'Neil's Body Shop, Refurbished Car Emporium and Donut Eatery. Here are the facts. Last year, my total income from all my businesses, including the income I get from my writing career, was just shy of $70. If you don't believe me, I can produce receipts. The thing is, though, it's not my fault. It's tough times out there. A lot of people are driving around with dented cars they could get fixed, but they're choosin to go to the doctor instead. I know, why would they have a problem doin that, right? But, I think what you're not lookin at from up there on the hill is that gettin some medicine for your kid sick with the flu and gettin a new transmission in your car cost about the same thing these days. The donut industry is also havin a tough time because our normal clients, people having morning meetings, have really started tightenin their spending nowadays. They're havin meetings without donuts or coffee, which I imagine makes for some tough meetings. I figure we'll get out of this slump some time, I mean people is still gonna be having meetings, and I see a bright day in the future where people show up to work in non-dented cars with healthy kids at home, donuts on the table, a little extra beer money in their pockets for goin to the local bar with some friends after work, and a spring in their step.

I'm just askin for a little help to get through. I ain't askin for much, either, you know, comparatively speakin. I figure, if you'll just give me about a million and a half to two million, that will lighten the load a little bit. I know it's more than I made last year, but, you see, I committed to givin the CEO of my company a bonus of a million dollars regardless of his performance. I put that down on paper when he became my CEO and if I don't pay him, that there's a breach of contract. I tried to explain this all to the local bank, but they're all dried up on credit right now and those people down there based the money they'd be willing to give me on what I made last year. I know, silly, right? So, they said they could loan me about $50, but I'd have to pay them back $75 by the end of the month. I don't think I'd be able to do that without some help from you. So, all I'm really askin for is the money to meet my commitments. I know, bein a new business I was a little ignorant to think I could pay my CEO a million dollar bonus in the first year, but I did and I can't be expected to be held accountable for it. Imagine the consequences if I fail. Bein a body shop, I am intimately connected to the manufacturing business. I buy parts from distributors, keepin them in business, plus I buy oil and other various engine liquids from big companies that turn that money into oil supplies and platforms and stuff. Plus, bein a refurbished car emporium, I am helping provide jobs and financial support to the state. I ain't sold a car yet, but I think that's because the banks aren't willing to finance loans for people to buy their cars. I'm also a big part of the service industry in this area. People come in every day and buy coffee and donuts from me, expecting that these will increase their productivity at work. If they don't have their coffee, they won't be able to work as well, and the productivity of the entire area will drop. We supply important stuff from this area and if our productivuty dropped, it could have serious repercussions for the economy of the entire nation. You have a chance to stop this. Just cut a check for Pat O'Neil's Body Shop, Refurbished Car Emporium and Donut Eatery and all will be well.

You know, while I'm thinkin about it, how's about you give me three million. I'll use a million of it to pay my CEO his bonus, which we've discussed and is really inevitable, then I'll use another million to capitalize my company and put us in a strategic position vis-a-vi first tier capital in order for our mergers and acquisitions arm to fully monetize it's potential and begin searching the market for attractive properties. (See how I threw in that finance mumbo-jumbo to dazzle you? We can all do that, you know). And then, I'll use that last million to start my own bank, the bank of Pat O'Neil. I'll loan a couple people money to buy cars and houses and things. But I promise that I'll talk to their bosses and people they know to see if I can trust them with the money. I'll make sure to get more money back from them than I loan to them, but I'll try not to make it so much that I hurt them.

So, government, in conclusion, I would like to receive about 3 million dollars from you to keep the manufacturing industry afloat and to renew the banking industry. If you don't give the money, the entire economic system of the entire world could collapse and we'd have to go back to bein cave men and huntin our own food with clubs and stuff like that. Instead, how about bailin' out ol' Pat. I'd say I'm a pretty good investment because, with my $70, I estimate I made at least 2 billion more dollars last year than any other company you're givin money to. So, thanks for your time, and I look forward to recievin my check.

Pat O'Neil
CEO Pat O'Neil's Body Shop, Refurbished Car Emporium and Donut Eatery

P.S. On second thought, better make it 4 million, just in case somethin unforeseen happens.

So, that's the letter I wrote. Like I said, if y'all could pass it on, that'd be great. If I don't get my check, it looks like I'm gonna have to raid this 99 cent store sometime soon, and I am not lookin forward to that.

1 comment:

kaploy9 said...

About the goverment part, I remember listening to some guy on 60 Minutes that was the head of all this "giving money to companies" stuff. He said although they are doing it on purpose, he said they also tell the companies to gradually "downsize" so they can pay that money off. All I'm saying is that I heard it, that's it.
Also, if you do happen to end up doing a raid on the 99 cent place, make sure you haven't eaten any chinese food before that. I would reccomend a hotdog instead.