Monday, November 2, 2009


Boy howdy, I loves bein on vacation. For starters, I got to sleep in a bed as big as my house. For another, they got a credit card on file here with my name on it and it seems to have no limit. And for a whole other, it's a whole bunch easier to make friends with unicorns after a buffet breakfast and a coupla Mai-Thais at ten in the mornin. Don't judge me, I'm on vacation and it's noon somewhere. And Bobby turned out to be true to his word and got me hooked up with some great vacation stuff.

In fact, just this mornin, after the aforementioned Mai-Thais and buffet lunch, I got on a bus and rode out to see a couple of the famous Maui volcanoes. I always wanted to see the volcanoes, but I was a little put off after that whole divin-into-a-volcano-and-runnin-into-some-crazy-penguins thing I did a while back. I mean, I'm still pretty interested in magma and all that, but fightin giants turns out not to be my thing. But that's where this vacation had interest for me. Not only was I assured that the volcano would be safe and I would get lunch cooked on magma, but the only giant fighting would be done by other giants. All we would have to do is watch the magma giants wrestle each other and, if we card to, make a wager on the match. And this trip has taught me a couple things about the world. First, it is right tough to judge which magma giant is gonna be a better wrestler. I mean, first of all, I ain't never seen no magma giant wrestlin another magma giant. Sure, I saw Hulk Hogan wrestle that magma giant at Wrestlemania IV, but I'm pretty sure that was rigged. Then, I saw Andy Kaufmann wrestle that magma giantess, but that could very well have been rigged as well, and even if it wasn't, it's not like Kaufmann was really a wrestler. Plus, he was wearin that asbestos suit the whole time. It could have been anyone under that mask. So, like I says, I ain't never seen a real giant on giant, magma a magma match, so I didn't know if I should be lookin for speed or power in the fight. Turns out, if you're gonna be bettin, the biggest factor is heat.

Them magma giants, as I've discovered, don't wrestle like you and I wrestle. I feel silly for not thinkin of it earlier, but, when you can just melt back into the loving bosom of the volcanic lava what spawned you, gettin pinned is a near impossibility. Also, not havin bones makes it right tough to get yerself into a submission hold. So, it seems that there's a weird combination of poundin on the other guy and tryin to hold him long enough that you can catch him on fire so he'll just quit. Some of these matches go on for days, the unicorns tell me. We was just watchin a fake match put on for the sake of tourists, though, like the kick boxing matches down in Thailand, or people in Maine pretendin to be friendly and folksy during the summer. But, unlike real Thai kickboxin or modern, surly Mainers, it's not possible for someone with a sense of adventure to go see a real magma giant wrestlin match. Well, that is, if'n that person wanted to come back alive and unsplashed with molten rock.

I gotta say, I'm ok with that, though. I got to hang out and cheer with some of the unicorns on the trip. I met a couple of nice fellers named Jimmy and Waldo. Those boys was a hoot, I tell ya. It started with us enjoyin the open bar on the way to the volcano. I tell ya, I seen some open bars in my time, but them unicorns know how to do it up right. There was a full bar right there on the bus, most of it filled with things I ain't never seen before. There was bottles filled with purple fizzy stuff, jars topped off with red swirlin stuff and this crystal skull sat at the back filled with green stuff that was smokin, but when you drank it, it was colder than a witch's funbag at the bottom of a well. Tasted just like that, too. But after the first couple of sips, it was like there was fireworks goin off in my head, but instead of burnin sulfur comin out when they exploded, there was puppies carryin balloons made out of candy. I ain't never felt nothin like it, so I had me another one. By then, Jimmy and Waldo had moved on to the purple fizzy stuff. I tried a sip of it, but it tasted like someone had lit a diaper full of curry and cat hair on fire, so I decided to pass.

By the time we got off the bus to watch the wrestlin, we were in pretty bad shape. The tour company had planned for that, because they had a golf cart waitin to take us up the mountain. On the way up, Jimmy and Waldo explained to me that unicorns was hard drinkers, but were always fun drunks. To illustrate the point, Jimmy climbed to the top of the cart, yelled the extended "WHOOOOOO!" cry of drunks everywhere and promptly vomited. Which brings me to another lesson I learned today. When unicorns vomit, they vomit rainbows. And I ain't talkin rainbow colored vomit like what you get when you eat skittles while you got the flu, but a real, honest to goodness rainbow. And it smells like nachos.

Even if a rainbow smellin like nachos has the effect of makin me hungry, it has the same effect on unicorns as human vomit does on humans. So Waldo saw Jimmy "cheese sauce the rainbow" as they say, and he cheese sauced his own rainbow. Then there was rainbows and nacho smell shootin everywhere. I was just laughin at it all until, one guffaw too far, I joined in the festivities in my own ways. I don't know if it was the breakfast I'd had or what I was drinkin, but it wasn't my usual throw up. I may have been in the middle of deep heaves that was clearin my stomach and my head, but I swear I saw a puppy come out of my mouth. It was a pug. And it was carryin a balloon. Made of candy. The unicorns found this incredibly funny, which made me feel a whole lot better about it.

By the time we got to the wrestlin match, we had our heads cleared and we was in a right jovial mood, and hungry to boot. Lucky for us, there was a personal chef at the wrestlin match that was willin to cook whatever we wanted. Me, I was lookin forward to a grilled cheese and tomato. When the chef didn't know what that was, and I had to explain it to him, Jimmy and Waldo yelled, "EW! You can't be serious!"

Apparently, that is the worst concoction imaginable for unicorns. For me, it's a sensible, light lunch. We got some understanding of cultural differences and they allowed me my lunch. Those two ordered something called "Flufferclunk". When I asked them what it was, they just told me, "you'll see".

And see I did. My sandwich was delivered on a paper plate by a gloved waiter wearin a gas mask, presumably so he would cheese sauce the rainbow while serving me. Conversely, the Flufferchunk came out on a royal palanquin carried by four stout horses wearin togas. This was all preceded by a coupla unicorns playin a revile on some trumpet-lookin horns and flag bearers, well, bearin flags. In the background, there was fireworks bein shot off and a whole gaggle of women unicorns throwin flower petals and weepin for the beauty of the thing.

Jimmy and Waldo was right excited when they set down the palanquin and the dish was visible. It was a towering mountain of rainbow colored substance that could have been meat or a vegetable covered in what appeared to be marshmallow sauce. There was sparklers in the top. It made my grilled cheese and tomato look like the vilest concoction known to man-or unicorn kind. Then the smell of the thing hit me. Imagine the smell of your grandpa's feet after bein peed on by a musk ox that's been eatin nothin but stinkbugs all day. It was exactly the opposite of that. As soon as I smelled this thing, my mouth watered so much that saliva started pouring out my nose and ears.

"What is that?" I asked, awed.

"That, my friend, is Flufferchunk!" beamed Waldo.

"Yeah," I responded, "but what IS it?"

Jimmy asked, "Why, do you want some?"

"Yeah," I shouted.

"Are you sure?" asked Waldo, winking at Jimmy.

"I'm completely sure."

Jimmy leaned over and whispered in my ear, "It's unicorn."

I was shocked! "What? Really?"

"Oh yeah," Waldo said. "We're not all caught up in that human morality. And, really, just smell it. Doesn't that smell delicious?"

"It sure does," I concurred. "But I feel weird eating it."

Jimmy told me, "Nah, don't worry about it." Then he turned to a waiter, "Some Flufferchunk for my friend here."

They brought me a tray piled high with the rainbow colored meat. I was really torn. On the one hand, I was gonna be eatin unicorn in front of unicorns, which made me feel that guilt you get eatin a fish sandwich at the Aquarium, only much bigger. On the other hand, my nose was tellin me it was gonna taste like a Philly with donuts for the bun. After a short, but valiant, struggle, my guilt gave up and wandered away to nurse its wounds for the next battle, and I lifted a piece to my mouth.

As my teeth sank into the meat and it exploded into a taste flavor in my mouth like, well, I ain't sure, but somethin hot and salty that can explode in your mouth, like, maybe a water balloon filled with crackers, but they'd have to be liquid crackers. It ain't important right now. The important thing is that just as the flavor was makin rockets go off on my tongue, I heard bales of laughter.

"Oh my god! He did it!" yelled Jimmy.

"I can't believe it!" retorted Waldo.

"You sick bastard!" they yelled in unison.

I felt my heart sink. "I'm sthorry," I murmured around the food, "you sthaid it'd be all right."

They doubled over in laughter again. "It's fine!" Jimmy said. "It's not really unicorn! We were just seein if you'd really eat it when you thought it was. AND YOU DID!" This set them off laughing again.

Waldo slapped me on the back, "You may be a rube, but you're allright, Pat."

I figured if they weren't telling me to spit it out, I'd just keep eating. When they were ready to talk again, about ten minutes later, I got to ask them what it really was. Turns out Flufferchunk is a kind of fruit that grows on unicorn Maui. It also turns out that all unicorns are vegan, which explains their disdain of my grilled cheese. Of course, with fruit that tastes like this, I could be vegan, too.

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